Belated, June 5, 2006

I had my first chemo treatment today, lastnight you stated that you would come with me if I wanted you to, I told you that wasn't necessary.
I don't want to be trouble to you or make you feel like you need to babysit me. I found out today that my H&H is low again, 9 and 30. I think that my cancer is back, I've always had this suspicion, but now from being anemic, I feel like I've got something else to worry about, is it colon cancer again, etc? What other kind of cancer could it be? Has it spread? I am going to call Dr. Smith for a follow-up appt. and see what's going on, I know he's out of town and it will take me forever for me to get in to see him, nevertheless, undoubtedly, you'll be there for us and me. When I told you, your eyes looked like they wanted to fill up with tears again, it will be okay babe. I feel horrible for putting you through all of this nonsense.

Belated, May 29, 2006

We spent most of the weekend together, it was very nice. I hope we get to do many many other things like this. We saw X-3 this weekend, it was good, you and I both liked it. We also recently seen the DaVinci Code-I want us to do more things together.

Belated, May 22, 2006

Today I had my port put in, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I am not happy with the placement the fact that I wasn't awake during the procedure, I wish I had been. I love you so much babe! Thank you again for taking care of me. I ♥ you.

Belated, May 19, 2006

We went to the DC Kings tonight in DC with Dawn and her friend Eric. The show was great and we had a good time. We had dinner at Chipotle andt eh night was great. You got a little tipsy, and irked my nerves a few times, but nothing compared to waht I've done to you I am sure.

Belated, May 17, 2006

We went to see Dr. Mottla today to discuss our fertility options, what was supposed to be my appointment turned out to be one for you. He thinks we should wait until I am better to worry about conceiving, but doesn't think I should be the one to do it. So you will be conceiving and carrying our child. We got lost on the way to Annapolis and I asked you if you ever thought that was a sign, you said no. We had a lot of fun today, I am glad we got lost and had time to laugh and play. I hope we will be able to have many more of these memories.

Belated, Feb. 26, 2006

Nothing spectaular today, I just wanted to tell you that I love you and thank you for being wonderful you!♥

Belated, Feb. 23, 2006

We went to the doctors to get the results today, it's a Thursday and you have class. You planned to go in late, my appt was at 4.

I knew it wasn't good the moment he came in, he almost hugs me and then tells me that I need to have surgery, still he doesn't directly answer my question regarding whether or not it is Cancer. I finally ask assertively, eyes affixed with his, and he says yes, my eyes shift to you, and I see your eyes wilt up with tears. I wanted to hug you and tell you everything will be okay.

I feel so bad for you. You've never suffered loss like I have, you're innocent ingorance is bliss and fear, I just want to hold you, but now I can't. I have to find out as much information as I can from the doctor, so I can get us out of this mess.

You decide not to go to class, and for that I am grateful. I need you tonight more than you know, for inside, I am about to cry.

Belated, Feb. 21, 2006

I had my colonscopy today, whatever the outcome, I am sure it's not good. They wanted a CT afterwards. I asked the doc three times afterwards if it was cancer, he didn't answer me, my heart did, it said yes, and so did my brain. I know you're scared, it's okay babe, I am here for you.

Belated, Feb. 20, 2006

Tomorrow's my colonscopy, tonight is my inevitable prep. I know you feel terrible and even stupid for throwing out my prep when you thought it was water, it's okay babe, I don't hold it against you. You just reacted, you didn't think. Thank you for cleaning up the house when I, otherwise, didn't feel like it.

Blog Disclaimer, Belated, February 19, 2006

Babe,
I am writing this, with hopes, that you may one day read this in my living presence. That this will not be something I will leave for you in my death. If that should happen, I hope these little trivial inputs will help you find solace in knowning that you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I could not have been me without you. You made me better, you treated me great and did everything right, I just wish I could have stuck around longer to have enjoyed the ride. I am forever in your heart and you're forever in mine, for it is one.
Me